If I could write a letter to Heaven this is what I would say.
Mama,
I miss you more than words could ever describe. People say it will get easier with time, however that has proven to be false. For me it only gets more difficult, I don’t know, maybe it has to get harder before it gets easier. Everyday on this earth is only a day further from the last time I hugged you, from the last time I heard your laugh, from the last time I laid my head on your chest and heard your heart beating. There are still so many things I wanted to do with you. We never got to go to that oldies dance night we always heard about on the radio, or take a trip to Alaska, or take a trip to California to go wine tasting with Aunt Carol, Kim, and Lisa. I wanted you to help me decorate my apartment. We would go to garage sales and find old furniture to re-paint. Furniture that was trash to others and a treasure to us. I wanted you to meet the man that I will someday marry and for you to embrace him with your warm hugs so he could realize how awesome my mom was. I wanted you to be there on my wedding day and help me get ready and listen to you tell me how beautiful I looked. I wanted you to teach me how to take care of my babies and teach me what to do in case they got sick. I wanted to be able to call with a question about one of your recipes that I was trying to make and figure out just how many sticks of butter it needed (that’s an inside joke!)
Every night as I go to sleep I call your name but there is no answer. Only silence. I reach over to the other side of the bed to hold your hand and there is no one there. I fall asleep and dream of you, but when I wake up I feel the gut-wrenching pain of losing you. Reality sets in that I will never again lay in bed with you all day in our jammies and watch movies, or take trips to target and home goods and watch you and Kirstyn fill your shopping carts only to put every item back on the shelf before leaving. I never did understand that. I will never again listen to you and dad talk about how excited you are for the new bachelor ( okay maybe I don’t miss that, but then again I do.) I will never again give you a kiss goodnight or taste your delicious cooking, something I so badly miss. I will never again hear you tell Cole that he will always belong to Gam, or tell Gavin how silly he is.
I cry bent over in pain but there is no one or thing that can comfort me, not even wearing your pink fuzzy robe that still smells like you. I yell at God for taking you because I need you more and sometimes I thank Him for taking you out of your pain. I feel a multitude of emotions in one single day and don’t know if I will be smiling from a memory or hysterically crying because I heard your man Keith Urban on the radio. Every day I feel a new emotion that I didn’t know I had.
Sometimes I feel you. I look up at the stars and I know you are here with me. I feel the calm breeze wisp through my hair and I know its your hand combing my hair to the side to see my face. I feel the warm sun shining down on me in the cold winter weather and I know its you wrapping your arms around me. I see a cardinal and I know it is you telling me that I will be okay. Other times I do not feel you at all and you seem to only be a memory, a memory that is moving further and further away. I try to reach out and grab onto those memories but they keep slipping away from me and I don’t know why. I truly do know that you will always be with me though.
I would give anything to be able to hold you tight for just another moment.
I love you and miss you mama, I will see you one day soon.
Love your baby,
Kelsey
P.S. I love you a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck, a hug around the neck, a hug around the neck.
Noohra 